Group

So, I’m sitting in the campus café, trying to knock out this English assignment that’s due in, like, seven hours. I’ve had three cups of coffee, my playlist is on shuffle (which is a gamble), and my laptop fan sounds like it’s about to launch into orbit. Classic. The assignment? “Write a 1,000-word essay using one of the approved essay types.” Bruh.

Now here’s the thing: nobody really teaches you the why behind all these different types of essays. I mean yeah, sure, we had lessons on them in high school, but it was more like “write this because I said so” and less “this is how you use it in the real world.” So now I’m sitting here Googling stuff like what are the types of essay writing, types of essays middle school, and genres of essays because I low-key forgot the difference between expository and descriptive. (Spoiler: one explains and one paints a picture. I think.)

Anyway. I picked a narrative essay because it sounded the least painful. Who doesn’t like a good story, right? Plus, I figured I could sneak in some drama from my own life, which, to be fair, is basically a series of poorly written sitcom episodes. Like last semester, when I accidentally turned in my roommate’s econ project instead of my philosophy essay. We both got flagged for plagiarism. Good times.

But then I realized—hold up—this prof actually cares about structure. Like, we’re talking intro-body-conclusion, clear thesis, smooth transitions, the whole deal. And suddenly I’m spiraling. Because now I gotta worry not just about telling the story, but how I tell it. Which kinda brings me back to the whole essay type thing.

Turns out there are more kinds of essays than I remembered. We’re talking argumentative, narrative, expository, descriptive, analytical, compare & contrast, cause & effect... it’s a whole buffet. I guess each type of essay is like a different tool in your academic toolbox. Want to convince someone? Argumentative. Wanna break something down step by step? Expository. Wanna make your reader cry? Go descriptive. Or maybe you’re trying to sound smart without actually saying anything concrete—hello, analytical essays.

And honestly, once you get the hang of it, it sorta makes sense. It’s like when you’re texting your best friend vs. your grandma. You’re saying stuff, but you say it differently depending on the vibe. Same thing with essay writing. The type of essay you use totally depends on what story you're trying to tell—or not tell, if you’re stuck with the dreaded analytical one. (Sorry if you're into that. You do you.)

But let me back up a bit. I remember last semester, this one guy in my class—super chill dude, philosophy major, always quoting dead people—totally tanked his first assignment because he wrote a full-on emotional rant when the prof asked for an argumentative piece. It was beautifully written, but it didn’t hit the assignment goals. That’s when it kinda clicked for me: knowing the types essay writing requires isn’t just for school; it’s for not failing school. There's a difference.

Now, before I sound like I’m suddenly an expert (lol, not even close), I’ll admit I still mess it up. Last week I accidentally blended a narrative into a compare & contrast because I thought it would be more “engaging.” My TA wrote, “Good effort, but pick a lane.” Ouch. Fair though.

If I could give any advice to someone trying to wrap their head around all the types of an essay, it’d be this: stop thinking of essays as just school stuff. They’re literally everywhere. You’ve got opinion pieces on BuzzFeed that are lowkey persuasive essays. You’ve got long Twitter threads that read like narrative ones. Even reviews on Amazon can be mini expository essays. Once you see them that way, it’s kinda easier to understand how and when to use them.

Also: ask your professor what they actually want. Like, don’t just guess. These people live for clarity and structure, so give them that and they’ll usually be happy. I made the mistake of “getting creative” last year, and my GPA still hasn’t fully recovered.

Anyway, I should probably stop procrastinating now and actually finish the essay I started ranting about 700 words ago. It’s kinda funny, though—writing this post helped me remember how important it is to match your message to the medium. I sound smarter than I feel right now, not gonna lie.

There’s a bunch of essay and types you’ll run into in uni, and it actually matters which one you use. So learn the different types of essays—not because your professor says so, but because it saves you from rewriting your paper at 3am after realizing you did the whole thing wrong. Trust me.

Alright, time to go wrestle with this word count. Peace.